Finding Beauty in the Unexpected

A few years ago I started following Kelle Hampton's blog after reading an exerpt of her post about the day that she gave birth to her second daughter on facebook. I had never been a blog reader before that day but I was instantly hooked. Kelle inspired me through the words on her pages and her beautiful photographs. Her favorite quote by Mary Oliver,  "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life"  made me what to do more, achieve more, be more.

When I found out that Kelle Hampton was writing a book I knew that I would be reading it. Her memoir came out days before my plane lifted off to Korea - and even know I had so much to do before the trip - late at night I would read a few pages until my eyes couldn't stay open any longer. It was then my must read book as soon as the plane lifted off the ground.

As I curled up with the book 35,000 feet in the air...already super emotional as I traveled half way around the world to meet my sweet son... the message on those pages had me lost in thought. The five words Finding Beauty In The Unexpected  had me pondering all the hard times and difficulties in my life while everyone else on the plane slept.

Immiadiately, I thought about the adoption process.... how over and over again every single expectation we have had for the process turned into the unexpected. I thought about my 18 month old son who was supposed to be home months and months ago and how happy I was to be going to meet him but sad to know that I would have to get back on that big plane and be an ocean apart again.  I thought about all the hard days... the days I cried, the days I got angry, the days I was bitter, and the days that I just didn't think I had an ounce of strength left. My mind went to the dark places about how life is not fair and adoption was supposed to be easy and how I already had so much hurt, pain, and loss when we were trying to concieve and eventually brought Zoey into the world. I thought about all that we endured to finally become parents, then to see her in that isolette, and how now as a family unit we still continue to struggle with her special needs.

I thought about how I really tried to handle all of the difficulties with grace. How I always tried to look at all that I had been blessed with on the days that were so hard - but for some reason- the last few months of this adoption were so hard. It was like day after day a rock was placed on my back and eventually I just crumbled. Adoption is not for the faint of heart and loving a child that has grown in your heart and not being able to hold them in your arms is excruciating.

The truth is that it is so easy to find the ugly in the really hard times of our lives. When I dream - I dream big - and so many hard events that I have endured weren't supposed to be part of my fairytale.  It is easy to feel sorry for ourselves.... to surrender ourselves to the sadness because it takes more time, more thought, more patience, and more understanding to find the beauty in the unexpected instead of letting the tough hands of life knock us down and take away our joy.

I needed to stop and take inventory of all the beauty that was to be found in all of this unexpected.

First, I have two amazing children who came to me in very miraculous ways. The hardships, waiting, praying, dreaming, and believing make me a better mother ... it is a constant reminder to never take these amazing gifts for granted ...to have more patience...to embrace their lives...and cherish every single moment.

My first baby Zoey.  After all those 5 am wake ups to drive an hour away... being pregnant with triplets only to have 2 losses.... surgeries and hospital bedrest...and still going into labor at 30 weeks.... This huge miracle that was so tiny and precious arrived and was rushed to the NICU. What she lacked in size she made up in spirit...she was a fighter from the very begining...a miracle.

Sometimes in the midst of therapy and doctor appointments I forget about all the strengths she has among her struggles. She is beautiful inside and out. Everything she does she does big. She is a mini picasso, creating beautiful masterpieces with her hands. She brings smiles to so many - especially me.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with her my life was better. I loved her more then I ever thought imaginable and the love grew so much stronger the moment she was born. When she was about a year old  I remember joking with Anthony , well maybe just 1/2 joking, that I didn't know how I would ever love a second baby as much as I loved her. Now I know.

My sweet baby James.

Adoption was always in my heart but it took all that was "unexpected" in my journey to become a mother to confirm that somewhere out there another child was destined to be mine. For nine months I prepared paperwork, fingerprints, forms and background checks and then waited to hear about the child who wouldn't grow under my heart but in it. Then it came... our referral....and instantly my heart grew bigger then I ever thought possible.

Immiadiately after the referral we prepared to bring James home. We expected a 4-6 month wait and planned on him coming to his forever home shortly before or a little after his first birthday. Then out of nowhere so much "unexpected" happened. We were hit with delay after delay. We didn't make the quota for the year. The ministry stopped processing cases and we continued to wait and wait and wait. It was a very long eleven months as I watched the son I longed to hold grow from a baby into a toddler.

When I was in the thick of the wait and the emotions were so raw it was hard to even imagine that their could possibly be any beauty in all of that "unexpected". However, from 35,000 feet in the air inside the Korean Air plane that was going to touch down in the land of the morning calm - Seoul, where I would wake up in the same city as my son I was able to find so much beauty.

First, I had an amazing friend sitting next to me who packed her suitcase and boarded a plane to fly 1/2 way around the world to meet my son with me with just 3 days notice. She knew that as crazy as this last minute trip was that it meant the world to me and because it meant the world to me it meant the world to her too.  She is pretty great like that.

When we are 70 we will still be talking about the emotions that were felt in the room the day that I met my son for the very first time and I am pretty certain we will still be giggling about fish pedicures and spicy crabs and silk worms. 

The extended wait may have been unexpected but the beauty in the wait was that I had that much more time for my son to continue to grow and grow in my heart. By the time I arrived in Korea all I would have to do is think about the little boy that I had loved so much already and tears would well up in my eyes. The very moment that I first saw him was perfect. It was like all the stars aligned  and the angels were singing...who knows how it would have been if I first met him way back when ... but the day that we both were in the same little room at Holt felt like it was exactly how it was meant to be.

The beauty in the unexpected is that I have had so many friends praying for our family and following us on this journey. Some old and some new - but so so many friends.  I have fellow adoptive friends from all around the globe - and even had the opportunity to meet a few in Korea. Before I left I had well wishes from so many - the outpuring of support has been awesome. Thank you to each and every single person who has supported us  over the past nineteen months.

More beauty in the unexpected that wouldn't have happened if the wait didn't grow so long is that I met some pretty awesome friends from right here in New Jersey (and 5 of the 6 live within an hour or less of me). Bonds are formed so quickly when people are going through the same life experiences. I never thought that I would meet so many great new friends so late in life. I felt the same way when I first joined a new MOMs club when Zoey was born and I now get to say it again.  James is going to be blessed with playmates who share his unique story. One little boy came home a little over a week ago, one little girl has just been joined with her forever family, James will be home next, and then 3 more little boys will all be coming home before the end of the year. How perfectly amazing is that ?!!?

Through all the struggles, setbacks, and pain of the unexpected I am definitely blessed to have so much beauty in all of the unexpected as well.

Have you found the beauty in your unexpected lately?