Thursday, May 26, 2011

Adoption Loss

Adoption Loss

It is hard to think about how adoption is created through loss. I have been given this beautiful gift, to be a mother to James, but with my gift comes so many huge life changing losses for others involved.

James' birthmother suffered a huge loss the day that she placed him for adoption. She lost the child in which she is genetically connected to forever. She lost the son that she carried for forty weeks and gave the gift of life. I am certain through this that she lost a huge piece of herself that day.

I don't know much about James' birthmother but I know that she must have loved him so much. She loved him enough to want him to have more. She loved him enough to want him to grow up in a place where he would be accepted reguardless of who or where he came from. She loved him enough to want him to have a beautiful life - the kind of life that wouldn't be possible for him in his home county with the cultural stigma surrounding her.

James' birthmother had to love him more then anyone could imagine in order to have the strength to let him go. She chose to endure a lifetime of pain for the chance at giving her son more. Because she loved him she put his needs first. Because she loved him she has given me a huge gift and I will try my hardest to help him see everything she dreamed his life to be.

James' first mother will always have a place in my heart.

Unfortunately, James' birthmother isn't the only one who has to endure such loss. James' has already endured so much loss and in a few months he will lose more. He has lost the biological ties that bind him to another being. He has lost the mother who loved him enough to give him life and want for him to have more then she could give. He lost his first foster family who cared for him for five months and he will lose his second foster family when he comes home to his forever family. He will lose all the sights, sounds, and smells that belong to his birth country and the place that has been his home. For someone so small, he will essentialy lose so much.

But he will be our son...

And we will love him forever. We will comfort him in his grief and make sure he knows just how special he is. We will make sure he knows how much he is loved, not just by us, but by his birthmom too. We will do our best to make sure he has a beautiful life...... the kind of life all parents dream of for their kids..


Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother

Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears

One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

8 Month Well Baby Check

Baby James' 8 Month Well Baby Check

Guess who got an email from Holt today???? ME!!!!!

James' went in for his 8 month well baby visit last month and today I recieved the report via email. I am super excited to recieve a report on our little boy, but at the same time it is tough because I am reading about all the milestones that we are missing while we wait.

James is now 8.6 kg or just about 19 lbs.

He is 69 cm or 27 inches.

He is drinking 160cc ( a little over 5 oz) every 3 1/2 hours.

His general apperance is cute :) and fine but this MaMa doesn't need a doctor to tell her that :0)

He can roll over .......

and he creeps or crawls ..... ( we are not sure which)

he sits up alone, well, with his back straight and no support .....

he reaches out for and grasps large objects .... and moves them from hand to hand ......

and he rakes at a raisin.

James prefers his foster mama and I am sure she is a wonderful woman who is taking great care of our little boy. I am sure that she loves him with all of her being and that while I am here longing to have my boy home ... she is halfway around the world wondering how she will ever let him go.

Our sweet baby James is meeting all of his milestones and is right on target for development.

Is it too soon to mention again that this wait is hard and we want him home with us ?!?!?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Happy 8 Months Baby James

Baby James is 8 months old

Right now, at this very moment, it is 10:30 in the morning in Seoul, South Korea. Since they are fourteen hours ahead of us it is also the 23rd of May - which makes it James' 8 month Birthday.

Happy Birthday sweet baby boy!!!

I never imagined how difficult the wait would be. I never knew how much my heart would grow before I even held him. I never realized how much I would feel like he was my son forever and miss him because he was so far away.

I also never thought about how all this waiting would be with Zoey. She is a proud big sister....... but she wants her brother, like yesterday.

I let her pick a picture for us to frame on her dresser and she picked James' newborn picture. It sits on her nightstand and every night she makes sure to say goodnight to her baby brother. Often times making sure to tell me that her baby brother is at the doctors. Not knowing how to explain the complexities of international adoption to my sweet angel I never interjected.

Then, after preparing a package to mail to Korea, Zoey must have come to her own conclusions. Everyday, sometimes several times a day, she began to ask if we could go to her brothers house. She started telling her teachers at school that when Mommy picks her up we would go to her brothers house. How do you explain to a three year old that baby brother his halfway around the world and before we could see him we need to have immigrations approve us and a whole lot of other acronyms (nvc, p3, Ep Ea, Tc) in the process has to happen that I can't explain without my guidebook??? It is tough!!!

But the toughest was when we were passing by the hospital where her pediatrician is and she started yelling my name from the back and pointing out the window. "Baby Brother Mama - first brother then home". I wanted to laugh and cry all in the same moment. If it were only that easy. If baby brother was only a mile from home. If only all of our hearts didn't yearn for sweet baby James.

Since they really don't have any manuals on how to explain international adoption to a very inquisitive and bright three year old with a speech delay I had to wing it. It went something like this, James is not ready yet. When he is ready then he will come home to us. I am not sure how much longer she will buy it so please process move along quickly. Please!!!!!!

A question everyone has been asking ....... When do you get to bring James home ??????

The short answer - Not soon enough!!!!!!!

The comical answer - I have no idea - it is like being pregnant with no due date!!!!!

The optimistic estimate - September -before he turns 1!!!!

The miraculous estimate - August oh how I would love a miracle!!!!

The conservative estimate - before Christmas

The worst case scenario - early 2012

The answer is that we really do not know. We ask you all to pray that things move smoothly with the rest of the process. So much still has to happen both here in the US and in Korea.
I am hoping and praying to have James' here in his forever home before his first birthday.

Happy 8 months James!!!!! We love and miss you so much!!!!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Sweet Baby James

Oh, Sweet Baby James .....

Seven months ago on the other side of the world a precious baby boy was born.... a 6lb 6 oz perfect bundle of joy. He was born to a strong mother who loved him so much she gave him the gift of life.

And here we were on the other side of the world having no idea that he would be our son and that we would be his forever family.

But some how, as if all the stars in the universe alligned at one moment, this little boy was matched with a family. Our Family.

We got the call at 7:56pm Wednesday May 4th, 2011 that this adorable baby boy would be our son. He would be Zoey's baby brother. He would be a grandson to our parents, and a great grandson to my grandfather. He would be a nephew to all his aunts and uncles who have supported us in this journey. He was matched with his forever family.....our family. God is Good!!!!!!

And now we cling to these photographs. We study them because we love him so much already and while we have become part of this big miracle we miss our baby boy who is halfway around the world.

We hope the coming months pass quickly and that the process continues to run smoothly. Please keep baby James in your prayers - so that he can make it home to his forever family quickly. So he has an easy transition. So he has a great big beautiful life.

And please pray for his first mother, his birthmother, so that the pain that she must be feeling will get easier and that she will know that I will do my best to give our son the kind of life she wanted him to have. That his life will be full of love and happiness.

For, "He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and yet together we are motherhood." - Desha Wood

I think this little boy is destined for happiness.

Look at that smile?

I think he knows how much he is loved....

from his birthmother...

to his first foster family....

and his second foster family....

and now by his forever family.

That is a whole lot of love....


We can't wait to hold you in our arms ....

But for now we will continue to carry you in our hearts.

With Love,

MaMa, Daddy, and Big Sister Zoey