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Friday, September 30, 2011

Strength

Today we got an update from the agency. It wasn't much of an update and it basically provided the same information that it has every single month since the beginning of summer. You would think that by now I would be prepared to read the news that James wasn't going to make it home this year. We have been told to expect travel next year. We have been told that they were limited in EP's ( the one paper we are waiting on to bring our boy home). We were updated this information over and over again.

I am asked at least once a day when the sweet boy that we love so much will be home. I always answer that with the EP situation it won't be until next year.  I think every time I say it I am still trying to convince myself. I am trying hard to get my heart to wrap around the idea - you know- to kinda catch up to my head. In my head I know it won't be till next year but my heart is really refusing to believe it.

 No matter how many times my head told me statistically it isn't looking good my heart hung in there. My heart just said over and over don't lose hope. Believe in miracles.  Pray - the Lord will hear your prayer. Have Faith.

Each and every time the information comes from the agency it is like a fresh wound on my heart again. Only one more batch of EP's will be submitted this year and even though I am certain we will not be included in it I am sure I will cry again at the next update. I will again feel like I was hit with a ton of bricks and again my heart will have to process just how hard this wait is.  Fortunately for my sanity- the next update will be when all of the EP's are given out for the year. I will  then be able to let go of the secret hope that my boy will be home this year. I will be able to accept that ultimately it is all in His time and not mine.

So for now I will try to find the strength to make it another five months (or more). I will watch as some of the new friends that I have met on this journey bring their babies home and find hope knowing that pretty soon James will be coming too. I will travel to Disney and while there spend time with a very dear friend that I have met on this journey. We will stay up late and talk about our boys and adoption and how it feels like we have known each other a million years because I know I couldn't imagine doing this journey without her. I will continue to make lists  of things I will do before James comes home - and I will continue to complete them and have to start again. I will try to make the best of all the holidays by remembering that these are the last holidays we will celebrate with our sweet James half way around the world. I will try to have strength and be strong until both my babies are under one roof.

Last week a fellow AP mom traveled to pick up her sweet daughter. While there she was also part of several miracles - one including meeting my James. This is a video of her daughter's homecoming.

http://www.vimeo.com/29833090


Watching this reminds me that through the ups and downs someday, hopefully soon, that is where we will be. Now if I could just do this wait with as much grace as Karen.

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