Different -Yes ...Easy- No

So, I have been away from the blogging world for  a little bit. I wish I had some great reason to give but the truth is this wait is hard and dealing with the emotions of it all is even harder. Adoption just is not easy. Worth it- Yes! Easy-No!

I thought that after enduring everything that happened while brining Zoey into the world that God was sending me a message. Adoption had always been something I had considered and thought about. I worked in the human service field so I always knew how great the need was. We researched  adoption before I became pregnant with Zoey. At the time we were not married long enough and we wanted to have a family sooner not later. We did quickly become pregnant and then endured the loss of baby B, a very problematic pregnancy, hospital bedrest, 2 surgeries, Zoey arriving prematurely, a NICU stay, and the list goes on and on.
 I took a look at every moment of the journey and really believed that adoption was where our hearts were and that everything that happened up until that point was a sign that our hearts were in the right place. Somehow in that equation, I never factored in just how difficult dealing with the emotions would be. Somehow, I factored how difficult things had been bringing Zoey into the world into adoption and came up with this is where we were meant to be and it will be easier. Now I see things differently.

 I thought that my pregnancy with Zoey was the single most difficult trial that I have ever endured. My faith was tested over and over again. I look back and sometimes wonder how I survived that year and then look at the blessing that Zoey is and am reminded that sometimes the greatest suffering produces the most special gift. 

The truth of the matter is that I am on a whole different journey now and only one thing is familiar to me. This very strong love in my heart that I was meant to be a mama .... his mama. Everything else is different....and hard ....and at the end of the day I just want my baby home.

I wish that I could explain how deep of a love for my son I have already. I never imagined I would love him this much before I even met him.

When people asked how I would love him as much as my biological child I got offended because I knew that no matter how my children came to me I would love them equally the same. However, even I didn't expect that the love would be so strong before he was even placed in my arms.

And now the wait until that day growns longer and we dream of the day that he can know us cause the truth of the matter is that while we love him so much he knows very little of us and is still too small to comprehend that one day his whole world is going to change. We pray that God is preparing him to transition from the life he has in Korea to the life he will have in America.

I  pray that as his 1st Birthday approaches that all  his mother's find peace in their days.

His birthmother who will be thinking about the baby she carried for nine months and then had to make  a  plan because circumstances beyond her control prevened her from parenting our son. She will always have a special place in my heart because without her suffering I would not have the opportunity to parent James. I hope that as this first year anniversary approaches that she has found some peace in her decision and somehow knows that James is very loved already.

His fostermom who has raised him for the last 8 months. She has been there for all of his first milestones. She has cared for him as if he was her own while knowing that he has a family in the states that loves him very much. The mother who will eventually have to say goodbye to the little boy she took in and made a part of her family. Please pray for strength for her, so that her heart will heal quickly when it is time to say goodbye. Please pray for peace in her day as she prepares a birthday celebration for James knowing that this will be the only one she will be able to plan.

And for me, and my family, that we find strength to remember that this is the only birthday we will ever celebrate without him. That we find peace knowing that he is with the one family he has know the longest celebrating a traditional Korean Dol and what greater place to celebrate then Korea. That as we continue to wait the days become easier instead of so much harder.

And until the day we can be together as a family of four we will continue to love him from afar.

We will send BIG Birthday care packages for our boy.

We will continue to spend weeks deciding on just the right items.

Zoey will continue to pick the best toys for baby brother.

We will continue to have letters translated so I can express to his foster mother just how thankful I am for the care she has given James.
We will continue to joke that we hop ethe translator didn't
include anything out of line because we have no clue what the letter says.

We will continue to have good days and bad while playing the waiting game.

We will continue to have days like today when we just need to unload all the feelings, thoughts, and emotions so we can start new.

Because loving a son that  is on the other side of the world is new...different...and definitely not easy.

But at the end of the day I am blessed and know that this long wait will make me appreciate being this little boys MaMa that much more.

I will never take for granted my time with him because I know just how hard it is not to have the every day moments.

I will look at his smiling face and be reminded that right now I rather love him from far away then never have gotten the opportunity to love him at all.
And this mamma loves this little boy a whole lot.