Happy First Birthday James Jun-ha

It's officially September 23rd in Seoul, South Korea which means James is officially 1 year old.

I never imagined that we would not be together for his 1st Birthday. I never imagined the hurt my heart would feel as I longed to hold my precious son for the very first time. I never thought that I would cry so many tears and I never realized how this journey would challenge me.

Just a short 365 days ago,  James' birth mother brought this little miracle into the
 world after carrying him inside for nine months.  She heard his first cry as he took his first breath. I can't help but to think of her today with a heavy heart. I am sure that not another birthday will go past that I don't think of the mother who gave birth to my son. The woman who gave me one of the biggest blessings of my life.

As James grows I will be sure to tell him that he was loved by her. That she loved him enough to want to give him more. And I will challenge myself to be everything she would have wanted for him.

For, "He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and yet together we are motherhood." - Desha Wood


Five months ago I saw his sweet face for the very first time and from that moment I knew that he was meant to be mine. A piece of my heart has been missing every.single.day since. 
 
I wish so badly that I could be celebrating this milestone with James. My heart is hurting and some days just seem forever long. I find comfort knowing that the family that has loved my boy for the last seven months is celebrating with him today. That he will have a traditional Korean tol in his birthcountry with the family that he has known the longest.
 

I find comfort seeing his smiling face and knowing that he is happy.  I find peace knowing that at least only my heart is hurting and only my arms feel empty... that he has no idea that one day soon everything will change for him and he will essentially lose everything he has ever known. I am thankful that for today and a few more tomorrows that my precious son has no idea of grief and loss.
 
My heart smiles knowing that this day will be so special to his foster mother. That this will be the one birthday she gets to celebrate with the sweet boy she has watched grow these last seven months. She has loved my baby like her own. She has comforted him when he was sick and wiped his tears when he was upset. She is the only mother he knows and I will never be able to express the grattitude that I have for the love she has given James. It takes a very special person to foster a child like their own and know that they will one day have to say goodbye.
 
Sweet Baby James,
 
If I were holding you in my arms today I would hug you extra tight and tell you that I am blessed to be your mother. I would tell you that you were loved from the moment we knew of you and you will be loved every single day forward. I would tell you that I will forever be greatful that we were chosen to be your forever family.
I hope your having a wonderful day on the other side of the world. I hope your laughing and smiling and playing with your foster sisters and brother. I hope you first birthday is magical ( and that your foster family is taking lots of pictures) and you feel every ounce of love from all around the world.
Happy Birthday James. I know this is just one milestone in this great big beautiful life.
 
Love,
MaMa