Strength

Today we got an update from the agency. It wasn't much of an update and it basically provided the same information that it has every single month since the beginning of summer. You would think that by now I would be prepared to read the news that James wasn't going to make it home this year. We have been told to expect travel next year. We have been told that they were limited in EP's ( the one paper we are waiting on to bring our boy home). We were updated this information over and over again.

I am asked at least once a day when the sweet boy that we love so much will be home. I always answer that with the EP situation it won't be until next year.  I think every time I say it I am still trying to convince myself. I am trying hard to get my heart to wrap around the idea - you know- to kinda catch up to my head. In my head I know it won't be till next year but my heart is really refusing to believe it.

 No matter how many times my head told me statistically it isn't looking good my heart hung in there. My heart just said over and over don't lose hope. Believe in miracles.  Pray - the Lord will hear your prayer. Have Faith.

Each and every time the information comes from the agency it is like a fresh wound on my heart again. Only one more batch of EP's will be submitted this year and even though I am certain we will not be included in it I am sure I will cry again at the next update. I will again feel like I was hit with a ton of bricks and again my heart will have to process just how hard this wait is.  Fortunately for my sanity- the next update will be when all of the EP's are given out for the year. I will  then be able to let go of the secret hope that my boy will be home this year. I will be able to accept that ultimately it is all in His time and not mine.

So for now I will try to find the strength to make it another five months (or more). I will watch as some of the new friends that I have met on this journey bring their babies home and find hope knowing that pretty soon James will be coming too. I will travel to Disney and while there spend time with a very dear friend that I have met on this journey. We will stay up late and talk about our boys and adoption and how it feels like we have known each other a million years because I know I couldn't imagine doing this journey without her. I will continue to make lists  of things I will do before James comes home - and I will continue to complete them and have to start again. I will try to make the best of all the holidays by remembering that these are the last holidays we will celebrate with our sweet James half way around the world. I will try to have strength and be strong until both my babies are under one roof.

Last week a fellow AP mom traveled to pick up her sweet daughter. While there she was also part of several miracles - one including meeting my James. This is a video of her daughter's homecoming.

http://www.vimeo.com/29833090


Watching this reminds me that through the ups and downs someday, hopefully soon, that is where we will be. Now if I could just do this wait with as much grace as Karen.

Happy Monday!

How cute is this?

I just love getting an unexpected ( who am I kidding - I was really expecting this photo last week but after being so disappointed that I didn't get it something even more miraculous happened.) photo of James.

Happy Monday!

Happy First Birthday James Jun-ha

It's officially September 23rd in Seoul, South Korea which means James is officially 1 year old.

I never imagined that we would not be together for his 1st Birthday. I never imagined the hurt my heart would feel as I longed to hold my precious son for the very first time. I never thought that I would cry so many tears and I never realized how this journey would challenge me.

Just a short 365 days ago,  James' birth mother brought this little miracle into the
 world after carrying him inside for nine months.  She heard his first cry as he took his first breath. I can't help but to think of her today with a heavy heart. I am sure that not another birthday will go past that I don't think of the mother who gave birth to my son. The woman who gave me one of the biggest blessings of my life.

As James grows I will be sure to tell him that he was loved by her. That she loved him enough to want to give him more. And I will challenge myself to be everything she would have wanted for him.

For, "He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and yet together we are motherhood." - Desha Wood


Five months ago I saw his sweet face for the very first time and from that moment I knew that he was meant to be mine. A piece of my heart has been missing every.single.day since. 
 
I wish so badly that I could be celebrating this milestone with James. My heart is hurting and some days just seem forever long. I find comfort knowing that the family that has loved my boy for the last seven months is celebrating with him today. That he will have a traditional Korean tol in his birthcountry with the family that he has known the longest.
 

I find comfort seeing his smiling face and knowing that he is happy.  I find peace knowing that at least only my heart is hurting and only my arms feel empty... that he has no idea that one day soon everything will change for him and he will essentially lose everything he has ever known. I am thankful that for today and a few more tomorrows that my precious son has no idea of grief and loss.
 
My heart smiles knowing that this day will be so special to his foster mother. That this will be the one birthday she gets to celebrate with the sweet boy she has watched grow these last seven months. She has loved my baby like her own. She has comforted him when he was sick and wiped his tears when he was upset. She is the only mother he knows and I will never be able to express the grattitude that I have for the love she has given James. It takes a very special person to foster a child like their own and know that they will one day have to say goodbye.
 
Sweet Baby James,
 
If I were holding you in my arms today I would hug you extra tight and tell you that I am blessed to be your mother. I would tell you that you were loved from the moment we knew of you and you will be loved every single day forward. I would tell you that I will forever be greatful that we were chosen to be your forever family.
I hope your having a wonderful day on the other side of the world. I hope your laughing and smiling and playing with your foster sisters and brother. I hope you first birthday is magical ( and that your foster family is taking lots of pictures) and you feel every ounce of love from all around the world.
Happy Birthday James. I know this is just one milestone in this great big beautiful life.
 
Love,
MaMa

12 Month WBC

Today, while I sat in my doctors office for my own yearly check -up  I got an e-mail with a Well Baby Check for our agency. For the very first time I can say "I was actually in a doctor's office for James' 12 month check-up". It might not have been in the same country or on the same date but until James comes home I think today was as close as I am going to get. I viewed James medical report in an actual doctor's office!!!!

James went into the office on September 9th this month.

He was 21.8 lbs

He was 29.5 inches but I think somewhere something might be a little off  unless he grew almost 1 & 1/2 inches in 3 weeks  :)

He got his first dose of the flu shot :(

He is still taking 200cc's or about 6-7 ounces every four hours.

He is cute and fine - of course!!!!

Baby boy got some more teeth - 4 on the top and 3 on the bottom. I just love to see his little chompers in the pictures when he smiles.

He is still cruising furniture and standing alone - but not walking alone yet.

He is using single syllables, imitating speech sounds, and saying Omma and Appa (Mama & Dada in Korean) That is how he refers to his foster parents - his Omma & Appa.

I wish I could say that I had lots of new pictures to share but for the first time I did not get any of James with his Birthday package. I tracked it and it arrived several days before he came in for his appointment at the center. I usually alsways get a single photo of himm with his care package so I did email the agency to see if they could find out it if he received his package.

Hopefully a picture of my sweet boy will find its way into my inbox - and if it does I will be sure to share it!

May you be safe while you're waiting...

May you be safe while you're waiting...



Author: Anonymous

May you be safe and sleep soundly through the night

May you be safe as you wake to the morning's light

May you feel our love from so far away,

May it comfort and protect you throughout each day.



We will pray for you my little one,

Until our time of waiting is done.

We will pray that the Lord keep you safe from harm,

Until the child of our hearts becomes the child in our arms.

Different -Yes ...Easy- No

So, I have been away from the blogging world for  a little bit. I wish I had some great reason to give but the truth is this wait is hard and dealing with the emotions of it all is even harder. Adoption just is not easy. Worth it- Yes! Easy-No!

I thought that after enduring everything that happened while brining Zoey into the world that God was sending me a message. Adoption had always been something I had considered and thought about. I worked in the human service field so I always knew how great the need was. We researched  adoption before I became pregnant with Zoey. At the time we were not married long enough and we wanted to have a family sooner not later. We did quickly become pregnant and then endured the loss of baby B, a very problematic pregnancy, hospital bedrest, 2 surgeries, Zoey arriving prematurely, a NICU stay, and the list goes on and on.
 I took a look at every moment of the journey and really believed that adoption was where our hearts were and that everything that happened up until that point was a sign that our hearts were in the right place. Somehow in that equation, I never factored in just how difficult dealing with the emotions would be. Somehow, I factored how difficult things had been bringing Zoey into the world into adoption and came up with this is where we were meant to be and it will be easier. Now I see things differently.

 I thought that my pregnancy with Zoey was the single most difficult trial that I have ever endured. My faith was tested over and over again. I look back and sometimes wonder how I survived that year and then look at the blessing that Zoey is and am reminded that sometimes the greatest suffering produces the most special gift. 

The truth of the matter is that I am on a whole different journey now and only one thing is familiar to me. This very strong love in my heart that I was meant to be a mama .... his mama. Everything else is different....and hard ....and at the end of the day I just want my baby home.

I wish that I could explain how deep of a love for my son I have already. I never imagined I would love him this much before I even met him.

When people asked how I would love him as much as my biological child I got offended because I knew that no matter how my children came to me I would love them equally the same. However, even I didn't expect that the love would be so strong before he was even placed in my arms.

And now the wait until that day growns longer and we dream of the day that he can know us cause the truth of the matter is that while we love him so much he knows very little of us and is still too small to comprehend that one day his whole world is going to change. We pray that God is preparing him to transition from the life he has in Korea to the life he will have in America.

I  pray that as his 1st Birthday approaches that all  his mother's find peace in their days.

His birthmother who will be thinking about the baby she carried for nine months and then had to make  a  plan because circumstances beyond her control prevened her from parenting our son. She will always have a special place in my heart because without her suffering I would not have the opportunity to parent James. I hope that as this first year anniversary approaches that she has found some peace in her decision and somehow knows that James is very loved already.

His fostermom who has raised him for the last 8 months. She has been there for all of his first milestones. She has cared for him as if he was her own while knowing that he has a family in the states that loves him very much. The mother who will eventually have to say goodbye to the little boy she took in and made a part of her family. Please pray for strength for her, so that her heart will heal quickly when it is time to say goodbye. Please pray for peace in her day as she prepares a birthday celebration for James knowing that this will be the only one she will be able to plan.

And for me, and my family, that we find strength to remember that this is the only birthday we will ever celebrate without him. That we find peace knowing that he is with the one family he has know the longest celebrating a traditional Korean Dol and what greater place to celebrate then Korea. That as we continue to wait the days become easier instead of so much harder.

And until the day we can be together as a family of four we will continue to love him from afar.

We will send BIG Birthday care packages for our boy.

We will continue to spend weeks deciding on just the right items.

Zoey will continue to pick the best toys for baby brother.

We will continue to have letters translated so I can express to his foster mother just how thankful I am for the care she has given James.
We will continue to joke that we hop ethe translator didn't
include anything out of line because we have no clue what the letter says.

We will continue to have good days and bad while playing the waiting game.

We will continue to have days like today when we just need to unload all the feelings, thoughts, and emotions so we can start new.

Because loving a son that  is on the other side of the world is new...different...and definitely not easy.

But at the end of the day I am blessed and know that this long wait will make me appreciate being this little boys MaMa that much more.

I will never take for granted my time with him because I know just how hard it is not to have the every day moments.

I will look at his smiling face and be reminded that right now I rather love him from far away then never have gotten the opportunity to love him at all.
And this mamma loves this little boy a whole lot.

Michael Mclean - Fom God's Arms To My Arms To Yours

With so many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure.
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking, 'cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

[Chorus]

And maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before.
By someone who delivered your son, From God's arms to my arm's to yours.
Now if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know.
How the one who gave him life could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floors.
And knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.


{Repeat Chorus}


Now I know you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me?
The first time that he ties his shoes or falls and skins his knee,
And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his mistakes.
Tell him that he's not alone, sometimes that's all it takes -
I know how much he'll ache.

This may not be the answer for another girl like me.
And I'm not on a soapbox saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above.
And I'm trusting you can give our baby both his mother's love.


{Repeat Chorus}