Uncertainty

Since the start of this adoption process I have tried to remain positive. I tried hard to have faith and stay strong. I celebrated the steps forward big and tried to move past the setbacks quickly. When bad news came I tried to stay optomistic and continued to pray for a miracle. Today, I feel like I am hardly hanging on and the process is swallowing me whole.

I have a son who lives on the other side of the world and I have no idea when he will be in my arms. He has a room here - with a crib and bed, transportation themed decor, books, toys, and lots of clothes. The room is full - yet empty without him.

He has been a part of two families already and it is time for him to know the love of his forever family.

I dreamed that James would be home for his 1st Birthday in September. I had no reason not to believe he would. As the months past I had to come to terms that it wasn't likely. I had to begin to find comfort knowing that he would be celebrating with his foster family who loved him very much.

As the agency updates came in I modified my expectations. I changed my dreams. I made my hopes more realistic and tried to stay positive. I hung on and figured that somehow this was part of the plan.

Well tonight I am just sick of the uncertainty. The last 10 months I have tried so hard to stay strong and I just couldn't for one more minute. I am upset - not at anyone - just everything.

This has been the hardest day since starting the process. I was not expecting another update - we just got one Friday. I worked hard to refuel my faith after the last update knocked me down. I was still refueling and did not expect another update for 18 more days. Then Bahm - I had an email in my inbox that knocked me down again.

I just want to know when - when will I hold my sweet baby James??? When is it my turn to get off this roller coaster ??? When will the uncertainty end ????

Thanks for all the kind words, wishes, prayers, and support. Tomorrow is another day - and we will be one day closer to bringing James home - whenever that may be.