Struggling - 2

I am very blessed to have the opportunity to parent James - but that does not take away the daily struggle to live life here when the little boy whom has grown in my heart every.single.day since we first saw his picture is still half way around the world. Some days are hard. I cry! I get angry! I get emotional! Some days I am just plain mad.... and I don't even know who to be mad at. Some days I want to scream from the rooftops that this was not supposed to happen..... We signed up for the stable program.... the country with over fifty years of smooth sailing. Yeah, what happened to that one?

I am sick of the wait constantly growing longer. They told us January was the new magical month and then they changed the rules again. Imagine playing a sport and everytime your about to make a goal the referree comes out and blows his whistle and changes the rules all over again. Yeah, the whistle was blown - February. 

When we "signed up" the equation was simple. Children need families and we want a child.... sounds pretty simple to me. When did things get so complex ? How did so much change in just a few months. How did we become prisoners to the process???  We fell in love with our little boy.... through pictures and updates he grew in our hearts. Now we love this little boy so much and have no choice but to hang tight on this roller coaster that goes round and round and never ends ... no matter how many times we scream - let us off, let us have our boy and get off. We are stuck.

And it isn't just James. A whole lot of kids are waiting to come home and a whole lot of my friends in the process feel defeated as well. And they pray and hope and wish only to be let down again and again too.

Yes, we are not the longest waiters. About 5-6 weeks of referrals are ahead of us. Yes, we might not wait as long as Eastern. Yes, we are not the first family to ever wait for an EP. But it still is a struggle, more now then ever. I just feel like it is so hard for everyone waiting now because everything seems to be changing. How do we wait while evebrything else continues to change?

But the truth of the matter is, to me, right now - none of that matters. It has been a LONG nine months and we have no end date in sight. We have no idea when James will finally make it home.

When we started the process it was 4-6 months months of waiting form referral. I planned on that. I knew things could always change but how bad could it get? Then the wiating was 6-8 months - I could handle that. Before we knew it the wait was 8-12 months. That much change in just 1 year?!?! Not even an entire year.

I tried hard to stay positive.

When we thought the wait was just 4-6 months we completed the entire nursery. We organized. We painted. We shopped, and shopped and shopped some more. We practiced Korean cooking. We read attachement and adoption books. I was so going to rock the wait. The wait was what we expected afterall.

Then the wait extended. We began to read toddler adoption books. We made another list of things to do around the house. We shopped more and packed and shipped the clothing that would be outgrown. We hoped and dreamed that the EP would come before the end of the year. We loved our boy from half way around the world. Our hearts grew bigger each and every day.
The the wait extended some more. We struggled about what we would continue to tell our daugter. We read more books and some books for the 2nd and 3rd time. We organized paperwork, we journaled, we continued to do home projects. We updated our homestudy and fingerprints. We tried to keep busy but eventually ran out if things to do. Some days I started to worry about if James would ever be coming home. I tried to keep prespective. I tried to think of the gift I had been given. I tried to stay positive as James' Birthday came and then passed.

Oh, and the tulips... .dont get me starte don the tulips. I had them planted after reading the wonderful idea , and i still love the idea, that when we planted the fall bulbs they would bloom in spring just when it was time for our babies to come home. Well, my tulips tease me. They tease me by blooming early. The weather has been too warm and they keep popping through. They have needed to be covered again and again and I want nothing to do with the tulips. My mom takes care of them when she comes over becasue I just don't have any heart left for the  taunting tulips that remind me that James should be home - like yesterday.

Then 2012 came and I had so much hope. I counted down the days and was happy to think we would start seeing movement again....and so far nothing has come. And my heart is hurting. I feel weak from the nine months of being on this roller coaster. I am scared of the uncertainty....The not knowing.... The changes. Some days I feel like those of us waiting now are in uncharted waters.... like day in and day out the ship sailed the same direction.... the waters were relatively smooth and predictable and then somehow something went wrong on the GPS. Like we are floating out in the ocean somewhere waiting for the Captain to direct us back on track.

It has been a long nine months and I have no clue when it will be time for my arms to feel what my heart has known for so long.

And no words make it better. I am thnakful to be matched with James, I know it is in God's perfect timing, I know others have had hiccups along the way..... but it still hurts. The waiting is still hard.

I want my excitement back. I remember the excitement I had when we first started the process. I would chat with my new adoption friends and it was so happy. I would tell family and friends and heck, even the cashier at Gymboree about our exciting arrival that would be coming in the Fall. I miss shopping and planning and designing James' room when it was a happy time... a time filled with no uncertainty.

Now some days I just rather hide from the world because I don't want to explain for the hundreth time that we just don't know when he is coming home. I feel bad for those that started the month praying along with us that James would be submitted just like we were told to plan because no news is certainly not good news in adoption. I feel so defeated. Helpless.

I never dreamed that 17 months after we sent the initial application in that this is where we would be. So in love with a little boy who just needs to come join his forever home.

Thank you for all the kind thoughts, wishes and prayers..... we really do appreciate it.