November is ....

November is Prematurity Awareness Month and Adoption Awareness Month. This November I am double thankful for the miracles that my children are.

I have always taken time to reflect on how much of a miracle Zoey is - especially during the month of November. I try and make an extra donation to the March of Dimes, post articles and videos in an effort to spread awareness, and I try and share Zoey's story so others can help fight the fight on premature birth.

One in 8 babies are born too soon....Zoey Marie was born nine weeks too soon. We named her Zoey because Zoey means "life" and she just had to live.

I remember praying to God, sometimes hourly, to find a way to keep her on the inside. As I sat in bed for several months, most of it (8 weeks) in the hospital, I would read the March of Dimes website and try to prepare myself for whatever may come. I remember barganing over and over to myself - that if my baby girl could just be alright I would make sure to join the crusade to ensure that all babies have a healthy nine months.

 I am forever gracious that I have a story to tell. I am forever thankful that Zoey didn't become part of the statistic that premature birth is the number one cause of death in infants.

I still remember those early days as if they were as fresh as yesterday. I remember walking into the NICU for the very first time and seeing her entangled in wires and tubes and feeling like my world was rocked -hard. I remember being several feet from her incubator and hardly having enough strength to stand. The room was spinning and I could hardly see through the tears streaming down my face. I just kept thinking this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

The first days were hard and for every step we took forward we seemed to take three back. Zoey's Nicu stay was some of the longest days of my life.

I am thankful that Zoey had minimal complications for a 31 weeker. 

I am thankful that she only had to spend 22 days in the NICU and am still suprised that she came home ,at almost 4 lbs, with just an apnea monitor when I would have just reached 34 weeks gestation.

I am thankful that her PDA closed on its own, that drugs like caffiene reminded her to breath, and that machines like the monitor she was attached to for eight months alarmed us when she would occasionaly "forget" and scare this MaMa silly.

I am thankful for the March of Dimes because it wasn't too long ago that Zoey wouldn't have had the same prognosis.

The March of Dimes is an incredible organization and because of their research and campaigns  I  am blessed to be Zoey's mommy.  Being a mother to a premature baby has taught me to never take a single minute of motherhood for granted. It has taught me just how fragile life can be. The many sleepless nights with a screaming baby who suffered severe reflux because of complications with her esaphagus reminded me that she was alive and breathing and everytime her alarm sounded and I had to lift her up quickly so that she was startled into breathing again reminded me over and over that she was a miracle.  My pregnancy complications and giving birth to a premature baby questioned my faith and then strengthened it over and over and over again. It taught me that miracles happen when we believe. It changed me.

 It made me take a walk outside my comfort zone and navigate through new waters. It made me vulnerable and scared and thankful and joyous - sometimes all at the very same time. It made me a MaMa for the very first time...her MaMa...Zoey's MaMa... and  it made me see just how much of a blessing and a gift that motherhood is.
 

It makes me remember to never take for granted the gift of motherhood. It reminds me to have patience with Zoey's special needs and to never forget just how far she has come already. It reminds me of my own strength and to never lose my faith.

It helped affirm our desire to adopt. It showed us that miracles happen and then happen again with the referral of James. Zoey and James remind us daily that God is so so Good.    

I have no doubt that I was meant to be a mother. It suits me in a way that I just can't explain. It challenges me to be the very best version of me. It pushes me to do more, be more, and give back more so that my children can learn from example. It inspires me to cherish every moment because my littles won't be little forever. It lets me find hapiness in the little things like preschool art and classroom parties. Motherhood has made my heart love like I never knew possible.

Physical

Things have been quiet on the adoption front since all of the EP's have been given for the year and since James is a year old now. When babies turn 1 in the Korea program they generally only come into the Holt office for a "WBC" or well baby check every other month. So, this month I did not expect to hear anything.

Low and behold, out of nowhere, I received an updated physical report. James continues to do well and is very healthy.

He now is 30 innches tall

He is 22.9 lbs

He has 8 teeth  - 4 on the top
                          4 on the bottom

Everything else was normal, normal, normal :)

He plays pat a cake.

He plays ball with the examiner

He drinks from an open cup with help

He plays with a spoon ( not quite sure about the meaning of this)

He walks with assistance from furniture

He has a good pincer grasp

He stands alone well

He says Umma, Abba, and baba.

I am happy to report that in just 66 days it will be 2012. We will then see some movement in the process and be much closer to bnringing home our sweet little boy.

No More EP's

Well,  last week the dreaded e-mail update arrived. The EP (golden ticket to bring your baby home to the states) quota for 2011 had been met and if you had not already received a permit you would have to wait until the new year.

I was so happy for all  the friends that I have met along this journey who received an EP but I was still sad for those of us who would have to wait several months longer. I cried hard and had to take a break from the adoption world for a few days while I grieved the dream of having James home for the holidays.

So, we have already waited 5 full months - close to six.

In just 76 days we will celebrate the New Year and never have we ever had a reason to look forward to the start of a new year. In just 76 days the quota will reset and we will be preparing to bring James home. I am thinking this is going to be the most celebrated New Years Eve yet.

Still Waiting

Welcome October, it has now been one year since we started the adoption process. Fot the last year we have been on this journey filled with highs and lows and twists and turns.

Today completes 5 months of waiting to bring James home. It has been five months too long. I wish that as time goes on the wait would get easier - but it doesn't. Instead it gets harder.

It is harder because each day that passes we love our little boy more. He has been growing in my heart since the very moment I saw him, 5 months ago.

We have waited and prepared and waited some more. We have prayed and cried and prayed some more. We have kept ourselves busy in hope that time would pass more rapidly and we have made so many AP friends which helps make the wait more bearable. We have tried to be understanding but some days it is just so freaking hard.

Tomorrow begins the 6th month of waiting. At one point, just a few years ago, waiting six months was considered long. Then the waits stretched from 4-8 months for our agency. Even when we started the process 8 months was what was on the extreme long end of things. Now, well now we are looking at a minimum of 10 months. Ten looong months.

This MaMa really needs both her babies under the same roof.

This MaMa wants to see her sweet boy. I want to hold him, and hug him, and love him. I don't want to miss any many more days in his life.

This MaMa doesn't want to see his room empty anymore. I want to see his toy bins dumped and trails of messes after he has played hard all day. I want to sweep up trails of cheerios and puffs and I want to watch him sleeping late at night and think about the miracle that he is.

This MaMa wants the waiting to be over. She just wants her boy home. Forever.

Strength

Today we got an update from the agency. It wasn't much of an update and it basically provided the same information that it has every single month since the beginning of summer. You would think that by now I would be prepared to read the news that James wasn't going to make it home this year. We have been told to expect travel next year. We have been told that they were limited in EP's ( the one paper we are waiting on to bring our boy home). We were updated this information over and over again.

I am asked at least once a day when the sweet boy that we love so much will be home. I always answer that with the EP situation it won't be until next year.  I think every time I say it I am still trying to convince myself. I am trying hard to get my heart to wrap around the idea - you know- to kinda catch up to my head. In my head I know it won't be till next year but my heart is really refusing to believe it.

 No matter how many times my head told me statistically it isn't looking good my heart hung in there. My heart just said over and over don't lose hope. Believe in miracles.  Pray - the Lord will hear your prayer. Have Faith.

Each and every time the information comes from the agency it is like a fresh wound on my heart again. Only one more batch of EP's will be submitted this year and even though I am certain we will not be included in it I am sure I will cry again at the next update. I will again feel like I was hit with a ton of bricks and again my heart will have to process just how hard this wait is.  Fortunately for my sanity- the next update will be when all of the EP's are given out for the year. I will  then be able to let go of the secret hope that my boy will be home this year. I will be able to accept that ultimately it is all in His time and not mine.

So for now I will try to find the strength to make it another five months (or more). I will watch as some of the new friends that I have met on this journey bring their babies home and find hope knowing that pretty soon James will be coming too. I will travel to Disney and while there spend time with a very dear friend that I have met on this journey. We will stay up late and talk about our boys and adoption and how it feels like we have known each other a million years because I know I couldn't imagine doing this journey without her. I will continue to make lists  of things I will do before James comes home - and I will continue to complete them and have to start again. I will try to make the best of all the holidays by remembering that these are the last holidays we will celebrate with our sweet James half way around the world. I will try to have strength and be strong until both my babies are under one roof.

Last week a fellow AP mom traveled to pick up her sweet daughter. While there she was also part of several miracles - one including meeting my James. This is a video of her daughter's homecoming.

http://www.vimeo.com/29833090


Watching this reminds me that through the ups and downs someday, hopefully soon, that is where we will be. Now if I could just do this wait with as much grace as Karen.

Happy Monday!

How cute is this?

I just love getting an unexpected ( who am I kidding - I was really expecting this photo last week but after being so disappointed that I didn't get it something even more miraculous happened.) photo of James.

Happy Monday!

Happy First Birthday James Jun-ha

It's officially September 23rd in Seoul, South Korea which means James is officially 1 year old.

I never imagined that we would not be together for his 1st Birthday. I never imagined the hurt my heart would feel as I longed to hold my precious son for the very first time. I never thought that I would cry so many tears and I never realized how this journey would challenge me.

Just a short 365 days ago,  James' birth mother brought this little miracle into the
 world after carrying him inside for nine months.  She heard his first cry as he took his first breath. I can't help but to think of her today with a heavy heart. I am sure that not another birthday will go past that I don't think of the mother who gave birth to my son. The woman who gave me one of the biggest blessings of my life.

As James grows I will be sure to tell him that he was loved by her. That she loved him enough to want to give him more. And I will challenge myself to be everything she would have wanted for him.

For, "He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and yet together we are motherhood." - Desha Wood


Five months ago I saw his sweet face for the very first time and from that moment I knew that he was meant to be mine. A piece of my heart has been missing every.single.day since. 
 
I wish so badly that I could be celebrating this milestone with James. My heart is hurting and some days just seem forever long. I find comfort knowing that the family that has loved my boy for the last seven months is celebrating with him today. That he will have a traditional Korean tol in his birthcountry with the family that he has known the longest.
 

I find comfort seeing his smiling face and knowing that he is happy.  I find peace knowing that at least only my heart is hurting and only my arms feel empty... that he has no idea that one day soon everything will change for him and he will essentially lose everything he has ever known. I am thankful that for today and a few more tomorrows that my precious son has no idea of grief and loss.
 
My heart smiles knowing that this day will be so special to his foster mother. That this will be the one birthday she gets to celebrate with the sweet boy she has watched grow these last seven months. She has loved my baby like her own. She has comforted him when he was sick and wiped his tears when he was upset. She is the only mother he knows and I will never be able to express the grattitude that I have for the love she has given James. It takes a very special person to foster a child like their own and know that they will one day have to say goodbye.
 
Sweet Baby James,
 
If I were holding you in my arms today I would hug you extra tight and tell you that I am blessed to be your mother. I would tell you that you were loved from the moment we knew of you and you will be loved every single day forward. I would tell you that I will forever be greatful that we were chosen to be your forever family.
I hope your having a wonderful day on the other side of the world. I hope your laughing and smiling and playing with your foster sisters and brother. I hope you first birthday is magical ( and that your foster family is taking lots of pictures) and you feel every ounce of love from all around the world.
Happy Birthday James. I know this is just one milestone in this great big beautiful life.
 
Love,
MaMa